digital cameras shooting cheap red wine
So...
Since Friday I've been house sitting for my older sister and her fiance, who are in Miami for a week. I like this place. It's very cozy and clean. And they have a treadmill. And two HDTV's. (Nice televisions make me want to watch television. And they make me cozy.)
This area of town is in the process of gentrification. There are lots of attractive condos being built, but there are also lots of houses like this:
I am not sure what my thoughts about gentrification are...
I mean, on one hand, there are those Bratmobile lyrics playing in my head: "I've got a story 'bout D.C. to tell and I don't think yr gonna like it very well. It's about boys and girls and the rich and the poor. But what if no one can afford to live here anymore?"
But on the other hand, I think I've always wanted to live in a condo. A nice one. I've always wanted to be one of those well-off attractive white people that stay up late and dress casually and who are smart and always have booze on hand and snack food they forget about and a big screen tv with a remote they aren't really sure how to use and who are likable and crap like that.
(Please don't judge me.)
I dunno.
I think I just want money. I've never had it. I'm a fan of it.
I'm always wanting something I can't have.
And I think I'm always wanting somebody else's lifestyle. Not that I try to do/act like those whose lifestyles I want... I guess I'm just sort of envious.
I come from a poor family. And the kids in elementary school used to make fun of my clothes.
What do you expect?
ALSO...
I'm feeling like the WORST e-seller on Earth.
This whole moving-from-my-two-bedroom-apartment-to-my-mother's-one-bedroom-apartment situation has really fucked me over. My sales aren't as frequent as they once were, and I have SO MANY ORDERS to mail out. I'm so behind. My inventory is still in storage. And I can't really drive there to go get it because I don't drive... And my mother (and every other fucking person) works all day long...
I can't concentrate when I'm living with somebody else.
It makes me insane and antsy and indecisive.
In the meantime, I spend most of my time making new things because I have to keep on making money so that I have some sort of income.
But then that makes me feel like a douche because I feel like I should be shipping out people's purchases instead.
Okay, honestly...
I don't know what I want.
And I don't know what I should do about anything.
Okay, honestly x2...
I wish I could quit school and move away. FAR.
I'm so exhausted.
I couldn't make it to my psychiatrist appointment this afternoon because I don't have any money to pay for it... =/
I had $35 a few days ago, but that was for my medication.
I didn't have enough to pay for some water while I was at Walgreen's, so I shoplifted it.
(I had a 20-30minute walk ahead of me... and it was really hot and humid here in Houston...)
Maybe one day when I have money I'll go back and give the $1.39 to Walgreen's.
Because I just feel guilty.
Shoplifting is not something I do anymore. It's unethical.
I need a person to take care of me.
I'm just not good with being practical.
Not at all.
I mean, on one hand, there are those Bratmobile lyrics playing in my head: "I've got a story 'bout D.C. to tell and I don't think yr gonna like it very well. It's about boys and girls and the rich and the poor. But what if no one can afford to live here anymore?"
But on the other hand, I think I've always wanted to live in a condo. A nice one. I've always wanted to be one of those well-off attractive white people that stay up late and dress casually and who are smart and always have booze on hand and snack food they forget about and a big screen tv with a remote they aren't really sure how to use and who are likable and crap like that.
(Please don't judge me.)
I dunno.
I think I just want money. I've never had it. I'm a fan of it.
I'm always wanting something I can't have.
And I think I'm always wanting somebody else's lifestyle. Not that I try to do/act like those whose lifestyles I want... I guess I'm just sort of envious.
I come from a poor family. And the kids in elementary school used to make fun of my clothes.
What do you expect?
ALSO...
I'm feeling like the WORST e-seller on Earth.
This whole moving-from-my-two-bedroom-apartment-to-my-mother's-one-bedroom-apartment situation has really fucked me over. My sales aren't as frequent as they once were, and I have SO MANY ORDERS to mail out. I'm so behind. My inventory is still in storage. And I can't really drive there to go get it because I don't drive... And my mother (and every other fucking person) works all day long...
I can't concentrate when I'm living with somebody else.
It makes me insane and antsy and indecisive.
In the meantime, I spend most of my time making new things because I have to keep on making money so that I have some sort of income.
But then that makes me feel like a douche because I feel like I should be shipping out people's purchases instead.
Okay, honestly...
I don't know what I want.
And I don't know what I should do about anything.
Okay, honestly x2...
I wish I could quit school and move away. FAR.
I'm so exhausted.
I couldn't make it to my psychiatrist appointment this afternoon because I don't have any money to pay for it... =/
I had $35 a few days ago, but that was for my medication.
I didn't have enough to pay for some water while I was at Walgreen's, so I shoplifted it.
(I had a 20-30minute walk ahead of me... and it was really hot and humid here in Houston...)
Maybe one day when I have money I'll go back and give the $1.39 to Walgreen's.
Because I just feel guilty.
Shoplifting is not something I do anymore. It's unethical.
I need a person to take care of me.
I'm just not good with being practical.
Not at all.
Comments
And the kids in elementary school used to make fun of my clothes
i know how you feel there =\
but about everything else. you seem like your trying your best to make everything work out and you seem responsible about the things you feel and do so i wouldnt worry too much b.c i think that things will be ok (cliche right?) but so yeah just relax and do what you need to do to get your life back in order and youll be fine =]
I'm gonna echo jeremy and say everything will be fine.
Hang in there. You rock. I know this, so you will be fine somehow.
<3
hearing you talk about the nice condo, casual wear & remote seems to mimic Chuck Palahniuk's "Fight Club"..but look where it got that character....pretty damned empty. ehh...you dont need all that man. btu it is easy to look at someone who you think is successful in life, & try to mimic that.. hell, i dont know anyone that hasnt done that! in fact, thats probably how many people become more & more successful than the next.. by mimic, then improving on that by finding the weaknesses from the successful person & eliminating it from your life.. hhmmmmm....i think i'm on to something! :P
but for real.. i know what its like to not have money, or new clothes & all that.. hell, i'm the youngest w/ 2 older brothers, so i was a boy for half my life...wearing their hand-me-downs! i know what its like to have a condiment sandwhich b/c theres no lunchmeat or cheese, or even pb&j in the house.. or to wash your clothes by hand b/c you dont have enough money to go to the laundomat..when 90% of your income is taken up by bills & rent.. trust me, its not going to be easy, but you have to make the best of what you have.. it'll make you appreciate things better once you do get that condo ;)
okay, i'm done...i think..
n_n
when i was a kid, we ate hamburger helper without hamburger while my mom smoked pot in the backyard. One day, the church brought us clothes, and they were the nicest things I'd ever seen. I was so excited to wear them to school the next day. I put on my silk shirt and suspenders (which were fancier than anything I owned) and waited to face the day. People whispered. a lot. At lunch, a boy poured milk all over them. Apparently, they were not as cool as I thought they were.
I wish someone would come clean my dilapidated condo. It seems like there's laundry eveywhere. sometimes, even when you get stuff you want, you're not sure how to use it.
once I prentended to buy a $20 dollar table at Bradlee's, I filled the box with all the expensive things I needed and couldn't afford (deodorant, razors, snack cakes) and left the table behind a rack. The lady never checked the boxe. The contents must have costed at least a hundred bux. I still feel awful. It was the first and only time I ever shoplifted.
it's shitty everywhere, sometimes.
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WOW! what an awesome story knitxcore! that's a true "hustle"..
n_n